Plenty of Fish... on Their Fingers

In a recent “what the hell” kind of moment, I set up an online dating profile. I mean, I don’t go clubbing, my friends all seem to be happily married, and… well, why not? The only thing I have to lose is some cool story of how we met and maybe some time (OK, and maybe a tiny bit of my dignity).

And let's face it, the closest I've come to a date in the last few years was that lovely gentleman in my Romantic Literature class (Oh, the irony!) that stared at me all semester, then wrote a somewhat-flattering, somewhat-creepy-ass poem about me. Shudder!

But with the online dating, I’ve discovered a couple of things I didn’t expect. First of all, an insane number of guys use one of two pictures. 1) The obligatory “look at this gigantic fish I caught and now have hung on my finger by its gills” pictures and 2) the at-a-loss “I guess I’ll have to take my own picture by holding up the phone to the bathroom mirror” picture. The anthropologist in me suggests that perhaps the fish pictures are a subconscious suggestion of what good providers they are and they can clearly take care of a family. Mum says that guys just don’t have their pictures taken very often, so many of them fall into one of these two categories.

I’ve also decided that online dating is like shopping at Ross. You have to dig through a WHOLE BUNCH of crap in the hope that you’ll find that fabulous blouse that makes you feel like a million bucks. In reality, you end up with a cheap dress that dissolves the first time you get caught out in the rain. And don’t even get me started on the dressing rooms…

A few tips regarding photos you should avoid (like any of you are reading my blog). First, pictures of you with a bikini-clad chick make me think you don't really need me and would probably hate me if you met me (trust me, it would be mutual). Second, pictures of you pushing your terrifying-looking mother in a wheelchair are, yes, sweet, but also make me want to run like hell. Third, (these have nothing to do with photos, but are good suggestions anyway) if you tell me how "awesome" and "hot" you are, it just makes me think that you're compensating for something. Fourth, if you message me and say "ur cute," I'm going to roll my eyes and delete it. Fifth, you better use at least some approximation of punctuation and capitalization if you want me to take you at all seriously.

I appreciate full sets of teeth, a certain amount of what I like to call "book-learnin'," and the ability to form a coherent sentence (you get bonus points for eloquence and cleverness). Also, not being a serial killer is super hot.

That being said, stranger things have happened and I'm willing to give a shot. Please, don't make me regret it.